I have this thing about new people. Okay, I have this thing about people, period. Maybe some of you will understand what I mean. I think my self-esteem is pretty high up there. I mean, of course I slip into periods where I think I’m stupid or ugly or fat, like every good woman has been socialized to do, but overall, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recoil in horror. I don’t wear shirts that hang down to my knees just because I have a little belly, because I honestly think my body is beautiful. I think when it comes to I’m okay, you’re okay…well, I’m okay.

But then there’s this great rejection thing I have going, where I am just so sure when I encounter someone new in my life that I am going to make them hate me. This is where the creepy crawly ugly bad self esteem part comes out. I become ao absolutely sure that I am driving everyone away, that I will drive everyone away, that I become an unbearable freak and…drive people away. I’m an “only the strong survive” sort of person, I suppose.

This has got to stop. Because honestly, I’m sick of my worry and tension and all of those symptoms of that “everyone hates me” disease surfacing, when underneath it all, I’m screaming at myself to shut the fuck up already, y’know?

BTW, I would like to publicly apologize for calling Chris a cock-sucking motherfucker. As any of you know me know, I don’t like either of those words anyway, and it was mean of me, but I really did have the best intentions. So, Chris, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. :)

Now, does anyone have any solutions for how to not make a total ass of yourself, you know, all the time? Cause I could really use the help.

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