I know I’m making too damned many posts in rapid succession, but Sparklepants just reminded me of Becca’s admonishment that we all make posts about her entitled “Becca is a fatty” and I would like to take this opportunity to box her about the ears for saying such a thing.

Honestly, Becca, you have a perfect body. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you, and the fact that you actually EAT birthday cake just makes you that much more wonderful to me. I mean, who goes to a birthday party for a little kid and DOESN’T eat birthday cake? Unless they’re, you know, two seconds from puking because drinking anything MIXED with vodka makes them rather green about the gills.

When you first came over to the apartment and I met you, my thought was “this is the girl who is always insisting she has ten, or five, or three pounds to lose? WHERE exactly might she lose them from, hmm?” I think you should lose them from the basket you are carrying on your head that is packed full of all of those messages that say that normal, or beautiful, or attractive, or sexy women must be able to sleep inside of an envelope. The same goes for you, Jennifer.

In short, I would just like to say that there was not a single fatty present at Eli’s birthday party yesterday, and if I ever hear you use that word, or any other term in a derogatory fashion against yourself, I will beat you over the head with a brick.

Got it? Got it. Good.

Your neighborhood feminist police

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